I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
