Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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