remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
