I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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