omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
