I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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