It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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