Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
