true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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