My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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