This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
