I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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