I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
