I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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