dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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