worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just pee around me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
