stop calling my apartment porn island.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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