There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
