my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
