true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
