I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
