I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
