im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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