I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
