I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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