My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
