I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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