i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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