apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
