Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
