I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
