guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
