i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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