Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
