I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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