mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
