I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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