I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
