He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am midnight drunk by noon
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
