She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
