don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
