I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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