Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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