I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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