Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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