She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
