During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
