my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
