If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
