i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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