my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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