Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
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I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
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Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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