I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
