Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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