I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
