i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
