i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
