you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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