I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
