I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
