new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
