Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize