I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize