Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
