No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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