how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
